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[23 Oct 2010|12:08am]
I hate myself.
3 comment

[27 May 2010|09:21pm]

Can't wait for little dude to be here;
I want to play with him and have my little buddy to make me feel better on crappy days.

Cant wait<33


[25 May 2010|12:43pm]

ו.¸.•´× … ו.¸.•´×
♥ ♥ ♥

It’s amazing how one day someone
can come into your life
and suddenly you can't understand
how you ever lived without them

ו.¸.•´× … ו.¸.•´×
♥ ♥ ♥

I'm so lucky to have my way-too-amazing-to-actually-be-with-ME boyfriend<3
And we're having a little baby boy together :D
I'm so excited for my future :]


[14 Oct 2009|11:01pm]
You're amazing.
End of story.

i don't know what i want, so don't ask me.
i'm still trying to figure it out. don't know what's
down this road, i'm just walking, trying to see
through the rain coming down.

If I could be an angel, I'd make your every wish come true
But I am only human, just a woman loving you.
- Trisha Yearwood, Where Your Road Leads

If only I had one wish
I'd want a million, trillion lifetimes
That I could spend with you
To fall in love with you again and again
- The Ataris, Looking Back on Today

&& it only hurts when i'm breathing;
my heart only breaks when its beating.

Of course it's you.
It's ALWAYS you.


[05 Oct 2009|10:07pm]

all my life – I’ve prayed for someone like you.

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry firsts.
and i whisper
'why cant you love me? ill change for you.
ill play the part.'



I'm not your anchor, so don't hold on
i"m not the answer, you got me wrong
i'm not your savior, save your energy
and find out who you are.

Second chances. Girls take more of them than guys do. Why? I blame Disney, building up these false hopes, making me believe I can have my Prince Charming. We believe that one day we're going to be saved, that one day, one boy is going to come & change our whole lives around in the most perfect way. In the movies there's no 'other woman', there's no deception. There's just a happy ending, conditions & circumstances don't apply. So what are we to do when our hearts get broken? The logical thing to do is move on, of course, but despite all the lying, the cheating, the crushed dreams, & the painful memories, there's a speck of hope. A tiny little, itty bitty piece of our hearts that's begging for the fairy tale, screaming that we let him try again. So we do. We cry & bite our tongues, hoping that this liar in aluminium foil will finally become our knight in shining armour. Hoping that this time he'll be able to make us feel safe & actually do it. That's why we break so easily; cause our fairy tale dreams are placed on real life boys. Boys who need to be saved themselves.

why did snoop dogg have an umbrella?
fo drizzle.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to sleep for a thousand years? Or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want to when I get like this. That's why I try not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning - Perks of Being A Wallflower

this is how it goes » i'm gonna respect
those who respect me and i'll forget
those who forget me » simple as that

Go ahead & talk about me, bitch, but I have some advice.Click your heels together twice & say,"I need a fucking life."

She’s a flirt in a skirt& she just doesn’t care.


[22 Sep 2009|03:06am]

Because these are my last words and this is my last breath.
I'd give you everything... if there was something left.

I look alive, I'm dead inside. My heart has holes and black
blood flows. We'll do some drugs, well fall in love and get
fucked up while the world just shrugs.

We talked and held each other 'til the sun came up. And as I went to hell, the devil asked me if it was worth it. I said, "Yes. Yes it was."

People figure I crossed the line. Truth is, there is no line.
There's only your life and how you mess it up.
And who's there to save you and who isn't.

Just too bad for you, that when you had me you didn't know what to do.
Game over, You lose.

I'm messy and sarcastic and jealous and vain.
And I'm standing here asking you to love me for all I am.

She said, try to have a good time.
Don't put up with the hard hits,
they'll just hit you harder every time
that you get moving. You'll just keep losing
what little bit of mind that you have left.
So try and please me, and take it easy,
and try to keep your thoughts above the belt.

And I cannot stop thinking about you.
I cannot stop wondering,
if your constantly thinking about me.
Don't close your eyes, dear, I'm still staring.
I won't lie dear, I'm still breathing
even though your beauty is breathtaking.

I think maybe it shattered into a million little pieces again.
I'm going to be fine, I'm going to be fine.
I'm not going to run to anybody I can do this on my own.

Been through a lot in the last year.
It's like everything I love is slipping away.
And every time I come home,
some more of me it isn't there.
I gotta get it together,
I need to do things for myself.
I've given everything,
but still you take more from me.
I need some room to breathe.


Please know there are much better things in life than being liked or lonely or bitter or mean for self-conscious. We are all full of shit. Go love someone just because. I know your heart may be badly bruised, or even the victim of numerous knifings, but it will always heal, even if you don't want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It is up to you to find them.


It's hard to think about growing up when you're right in the middle of doing it. It's hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head it's difficult to know which of them is yours.


Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak.
Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive.


90 people get the swine flu
and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS
and no one wants to wear a condom.

I am tired now from the inside out.
And nothing can stop the war that I've started with myself.


She looks outside her window while she's losing track of time trying to find the reason not to break down tonight.


I dug a hole so deep, I'm gonna drown in my mistakes. Can't even sell my soul, cause it ain't worth shit to take.


Conversation ensued, and I wanna do so many things to you. Sip after sip, you insist you're a hit. Sip after sip, yeah, I swear I can feel it.


[01 Sep 2009|04:22am]

I can't set my hopes too high
cause every hello ends with a goodbye.

when life is like a hurricane, flying off the rails like a fast train
everything around me is so insane
you come and take it all away, you're my sunday  

for the love you bring, oh yea everything
for the breath you give, you're my cause to live
for everything under the sun, i owe you one.

i will help you keep your smile,
promise me you'll stay a while

I'm fighting with myself
I can't hurt you even though you hurt me

I've gone through seasons waiting for you with nothing changing, but the weather.

I need you. I don't know why, but every now and then in my life for no reason at all.
I need you.

I wish you were here. Wish I was there.
Wish it was different. Wish wishes came true.
I'd wish you back.

I like the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough.
The ears that aren't big enough.
They eyes that can't take in all the change.
I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

Sometimes there doesn't even have to be a reason. I knew from experience that no matter how much you turn things in your head, trying to make sense of them, some people just defy all logic.

The thing is, there is never a time when you'll be more honest,
when your convictions will be stronger or
your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should
chase whatever it is that excites you. Be confident and take risks.

Smooth roads never make good drivers.
Smooth seas never make good sailors.
Clear skies never make good pilots and
a problem-free life never makes a strong person.
Be strong enough to accept challenges in life,
don't ask life "why me?" instead, say "try me."

When we finally walked separate lives,
I realized that a moment spent without you is
like dying stars which slowly leave the sky empty.

You're so good at lying,
it could be your degree.
Then you could minor in messing with me.
I give you a thousand reasons why,
and you give me the excuse
that it's not worth your time.


[26 Aug 2009|01:04pm]

You're gonna die in somebody else's arms,
and I have to live with that.
-Armor For Sleep

You're like a fire fly, a spark,
a glow, a match in the darkness.
And I will go wherever the light takes me.

It's not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. Sinners can surprise you. and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people as simply good or evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything.

You are the end product of time.
And time will always takes its toll.
Never regret the price you pay
to become who you are.

It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.

The fluttering in the stomach goes away, and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you and I feel giddy. Memory makes lightheaded, drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said that was the price I would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me, that with the hurt and the mess comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it.
-Jeanette Winterson

I never asked for it to be over. Then again, I never asked for it to begin. That's the way it is with life, some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days have their sunsets.

Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night, and then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life.
-The Wreckers

Well she's wrong for you, I swear.
Didn't you read the script?
It was always you and me.

Habits are so hard to break,
but it would be a shame to stop now
that I've started making such good mistakes.

i will remember
and you will forget.

your voice sounds like heartbreak.

sometimes to do what's right
you must walk alone.

the words were on their way, and when they arrived,
she would hold them in her hands like the clouds,

and she would wring them out like the rain.

[the book thief, by markus zusak.]


[24 Aug 2009|10:07pm]
There are some things you can't bring yourself to leave, && those are the things that leave you

a heart can hallucinate if it's completely starved for love. it can make monsters seem like angels.

People’s lives change. To keep all your old friends
is like keeping all your old clothes - pretty soon
your closet is so jammed and everything’s so
crushed you can’t find anything to wear. Help
these friends when they need you; bless the
years and happy times when you meant a lot to
each other; but try not to feel guilty if new
people mean more to you now.

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
You make me smile

When it seems like there's no one left to run to in this empty world you can come to me. I'll be your shooting star. You can tell me your dreams. I can't promise to make them come true, but I'll be there to pick up the pieces of your broken heart if your dreams happen to fall through.

I balance, will I or won't I, the falling or keeping straight. To go for it without
looking back, without looking at what happened and what can all go wrong. The going
for it without thinking about the consequences, the rejection, the pain, the getting
hurt, the tears. But going for it with all your heart, hope for the best and jump in
it with both feet, hoping you won't get hurt. Or stop it. Making the story end. No
contact. Closure and not looking back at what could've been, the missing.
Stop the feelings. The insecurity.

[03 Aug 2009|08:48pm]

...and somehow when someone gives you that tingly feeling in the pit of your stomach, you stop thinking about the rights and wrongs, the shoulds and should nots, and you just go with it.

There are advantages to being single. When you're busy and sociable and meeting men and going on dates, its the best thing in the world and you wouldn't want it any other way. But, when all your single girlfriends suddenly seem to have boyfriends and you're the only one who's on your own, it's as miserable as sin. You phone your partners in crime and ask them if they'll go to a bar with you on a Saturday night, and they apologize profusely and say they're with Steve, or Pete, or Jake, but they can meet you for a coffee in the afternoon. If you're lucky they'll glide in on their own with huge smiles on their faces and sit and regale you with tales if how wonderful he is; and if you're unlucky they'll drag him along so you're forced to make small talk with someone you don't know as your friend gazes into his eyes, enraptured by every boring thing he comes out with, and you make a move as quickly as is decently possible. and you spend Saturday nights on your own or, worse, at dinner parties they've organized when more often than not they've been let down by the creepy spare man they've invited for you, so it's three couples and you on your own and you spend the whole evening feeling like shit.

I hate that he makes me feel better on a daily basis, but I can’t even make him feel better once.

you're a shooting star, you're just not in my sky anymore.


[25 Jul 2009|11:18pm]
i just can't deal with this anyore,
it's like i suddenly hit the "full" mark in my emotional capacity,
there's no space left to think,
&& i know it goes downhill from here

it's not your fault
that everything makes me sad,
that everything you do reminds me of him,
that i just can't love like a normal person

i need him back--
here beside me, to remind me to stay strong
to be his fighter
&& the girl who won't give up,
because without him here
i'm forgetting who she was

i wonder what it's like to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed;
having something to live for,
being able to look at the day
as something that can make you happy,
instead of twenty-four more hours of hell

dear WORLD,

i've had a hard day today.
do you think that you could be a little nicer tomorrow?

love,, ME

&& she's the scene from that
gruesome horror story--
the girl who's drowning in SLOW MOTiON,
&& can't let out a scream


[24 Jul 2009|07:59pm]

being lied too is not what hurts the most, its knowing you werent even worth the truth

Stop falling in love with everything that lets you down.

He reached for her hand.

"I don't want to lose you."

She could feel the tears coming and she fought them back.

"But you don't want to keep me either, do you?"

To that, he had no response.

Promise me.

That's all I want.

Just a promise that you will never forget me. 

Tell me I changed you somehow.

Let me know that I had an impact on your life. 

Promise me that you'll always remember me.

Losing you was hard enough.

But I don't want to go on knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you.




[17 Jul 2009|11:06am]
I close my eyes and I take a deep breath and I think about my life and how I ended up this way. I think about the ruin, devastation, and wreckage I have caused to myself and to others. I think about the self hatred and self loathing. I think about how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easy, but the answers don’t.

When you speak words to me
it's as if the entire world rushes
inside of me all at once.

FIERCE up your life ladies, how else will you get
the man you adore?

Where it like you secretly just want to run
around the town naked

"Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I’m through with playing by the rules

Of someone else’s game.

Too late for second-guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep.

It’s time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes and LEAP. 

I’m through accepting limits

‘Cuz someone says they’re so.

Some things I cannot change

But till I try I’ll never know.

Too long I’ve been afraid of

Losing love I guess I’ve lost.

Well… If that’s love

It comes at much too high a cost.

So if you care to find me

Look to the Western sky.

As someone told me lately:

“Everyone deserves the chance to fly!”

And if I’m flying solo

At least I’m flying free.

To those who’d ground me

Take a message back from me… 

Tell them:

I’m defying gravity.

I’m flying high

Defying gravity.

And you can’t pull me down."

I want to get into somebody's face.
I want to make a scene. Make some noise.
I'm tired of just sitting still. Let's have some fun.

It's been so long since I have had rum and coke.
It's been too long since I stopped caring and just kept going on.

It was one of those nights when even though I was completely naive,
I still had everyone sitting at a table that I needed. Everybody was laughing.
Everything was perfect. Looking back, that must have been five years a go.
And to this day I wish I had a picture of that memory so I could tell my brain
that yes, it did really happen. And that yes I know that I have loss touch with
every single one of those people.

I think I ate steak and I think that I liked that guy too much.
I think I drank lemonade and yeah I think you were there with a careful
eye and a playful laugh and that you were being too causcious
Making sure that he was acting the right way towards me.

Her brain is filled up with memories and lyrics,
and she is spilling her life out on to post-it notes.
No she hasn't lost it yet.

you always knew what to say.
And when the talking got to be too much,
we sat in silence. Coffee in hand, news on the t.v.

I'm adoring you. It's all good.
You're so beautiful. I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying.
about it. When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it. It's good to be in love. It really does suit you.
Just like everything. I'm happy you're in love,
'Cause every colour goes where you do.

I'm not a complicated person.
I'm just good at complicating things.

And it makes no difference what city I'm in.
The drink costs the same, and they do the same thing.

to be quite honest, I am uncomfortable and upset. I don't like it here. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. I liked it then, everything felt so right.

let's rewind and fall under the covers.
we could be minutes away from making

I'm ready to take on the world with him.
We've got a map and now we've got the cities
written down. A few more miles to go and we
will forget about all these problems.

Remember when we first met? Playing drinking games
and first getting a taste for each others lips? Remember when we first hurt each other, but then gave in in less than two hours because we knew that we needed each other. Remember, because I won't forget.

Tell me how I got to this point, the breaking point.
Tell me when I stopped being that happy go lucky
girl. Tell me. Because I'm not sure when it all changed.

[20 Jun 2009|01:03pm]

i was so desperate for him

to love me, want me, to fight for me,

that i was literally grateful for any mere scrap

of effort he put in.

-It’s Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken

The word "busy " is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.

"Busy" is another word for "asshole." 

 "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating.

You deserve a fucking phone call.

-He’s Just Not That Into You

We just have to get up, and keep walking.

Because as much as we'd like it to be true,

 this isn't a movie or any of that crap.

 In real life you get yourself back up and brush yourself off.

And life goes on without the people

you wanted to take with you.

And it sucks.

you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks
or even months over-analyzing a situation, trying
to put the pieces together, justifying what could've,
would've happened. or you can just leave the pieces
on the floor and move the fuck on.


I don’t want you thinking I’m unhappy

What is closer to the truth is that if I lived till I was 102

I just don’t think I’ll ever get over you.


[17 Jun 2009|02:37pm]

she’s banged up










but everyday she walks outside with a smile on her face

because that’s who she is.

She had been too busy trying to transform herself into the kind of person who doesn't
need anything from anybody, a wall of pure bricks. In the meantime, she had
forgotten that when people walk into walls of bricks, they get hurt

everyone else saw it.
he was heart break central
and her heart was already strapped
in for the ride. there was nothing
that they could do but sit back and
watch her crash and burn.

i don't actually still like him.
it's just that i'll never be over him.

Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in the spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshman year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s Fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s Fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s Fearless to stop believing them. It’s Fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry,” and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is Fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is Fearless. Letting go is Fearless. Then, moving on and being alright….that’s Fearless too. But, no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is Fearless.

The number of the U.S. Patent Office is 703-308-4357.
I mention that solely because that thing you did last night, you
know that thing you did that made me
you should own that.

She has a bigger and better heart than any girl you've ever known.
You wanna know how you can tell?
Because she's had a front row seat to "The Mess That is Your Life"
and she still sticks around and she still genuinely likes you.
She sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you, something that makes her hang on.
Although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to stay, she's still there.
But she won't always be.
So hold her close while you can

God saw you were getting tired, and a cure was not meant to be
So he put his arms around you, and whispered come with me
With tearful eyes we watched you, as we saw you pass away
Although we love you deeply, we could not make you stay
Your golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us... He only takes the best

I hope that you will never have to feel the pain of being in love with somebody who is perfect for you but too blind to realize it. I hope that you never have to have your heart broken by somebody you're not even with. I hope you are smart enough to move on from relationships you're not supposed to be in. I also hope that girls who are crazy enough to fall in love with you won't linger around too long once they realize you are too absorbed in what's going on right now to realize how good something could be later. I hope that you don't take the things in your life for granted and that the people in your life won't take you for granted. I hope that you find somebody you're happy with. I hope that when you tell her you love her you mean it with every fiber of your being and I hope she loves you back.

Have you ever felt like your can't ever
be good enough for the next guy.
because you gave everything you had,
to the one who broke your heart?

I don't have HPV. Or any other diseases for that matter :)
I'm pretty stoked about that.

Oh and ps.- My phone got shut off and I'm madly in love with a wicked cute boy!<3



[13 May 2009|12:07pm]

                                                      And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own,

 picking up the pieces and starting over
freeing yourself up for something better in the future.

Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

You realize that when people say you've changed,
it's because you stopped living your life their way

They say we'll never see half as much as they did. And It's  true that we never saw Vietnam or World War Two. We didn't see our mother's cry when John F. Kennedy died, but we've lived our whole lives being told that we're just not good enough. We've seen anorexia and bulimia because skinny just isn't skinny enough. We saw Columbine and watched the Twin Towers fall. We've seen a lot of greed and even more hate. Our generation fights a different kind of war but we've seen just as much as them ... and maybe even more.

I think that's what's wrong with the world; no one says what they feel, they always hold it inside. They're sad, but they don't cry. They're happy, but they don't sing or dance. They're angry, but they don't scream. 'Cause if they do, they feel ashamed. And that's the worst feeling in the world. So everyone walks with their heads down and no one sees how beautiful the sky really is.

Don't make people try to fit in your life. If they don't fit, it's not their place.

Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely.
Loneliness is the human condition; no one is ever going to fill that space.
The best you can do is know yourself; know what you want.

I do honestly believe that people enter our lives for a reason. That everyone we meet who forms an impression has something to teach us. Everything that happens to us is an experience and because of that, it can never be bad. An experience can only be good because it all serves to shape the person that we are, and the person that we become

When you walk away from something and theres no gravitational pull,

then you know you're doing the right thing.

it's funny how bad betrayal hurts. it's like a slap to the face,
you should have seen the hand pulling back but you don't until you actually get hit.

he smelled like a cigarette only sweeter.
so bad for her, but he tastes so good.

i feel like men continue to screw me over.
whether it's a relationship or he's my goddamn father.
and still, with my little need for affection and "love", i'll jump on any guy who asks.
just say the magic words and i'll pretend to love you.
just so you'll pretend to love me back.

But that's the strangest thing about this emotion.
Even knowing our chances are small,
we line up at the gate with our tickets thinking somehow were different.
I mean after all we're in love.
Look at us go!
Now what in the world could go wrong?
To hell with the odds we'd rather not know.


[07 May 2009|01:31pm]

So things have been crazyyyyy.


Boys will be boys I suppose. Keith really hurt me. He got upset when I told him having sex with him wasnt a good idea for me right now cause I've been trying to get my life together and having sex with someone who doesnt have any feelings for me does not help. So he was going through a lot and after that he decided to not talk to me for 2 days. Finally I messaged him asking if he was mad at me and basically the conversation ended with him saying we're better off not hanging out period. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. I consider Keith one of my best friends and I really felt like everything I've ever done for him and every time I've been there for him when no one else was, meant nothing to him. I felt used and thrown aside. I was so hurt. So the next day I get a text from another girl telling me something important I really needed to know about Keith. Something that really affected me. She told me that she got HPV from him and that I might have it too. BLECH. I threw up. Everywhere. I started getting really shaky and scared. I felt so alone. So that night my mom let me take the car to his house to drop off his belongings and talk to him for the last time. I honestly only want for him to be happy. So I told him that. If having me in his life wasnt helping him, then I'd leave. We talked alot and ended up staying friends. He told me everything about the girl who texted me and all the other girls and everything. The ONLY reason I was so upset is because he lied to me. He told me he wasnt using me when he was. I believed him. Stupid. But I dont care that he used me, hes human, people do that. I was just so hurt that he lied like that when I told him over and over its ok if he uses me as long as hes honest with me. But anyways, we talked it out and we're going to stay friends. I really enjoy hanging out with him and just being friends with him. He really likes that I can make him forget his problems and he can just be happy around me. So things are going pretty well for now. I did go to the doctors and get tested, I find out in a few weeks if I have HPV as well. Wish me luck cause I am terrified.

I'm on a 6 day vacation from work right now. I needed to get away and just spend time to myself. Too bad I feel like I have to keep making everyone else happy by being there for everyone all the time. Dont get me wrong, I looooove helping people and being there for them but I literally have had NO time for myself. I need to just run away for a few days. Yeah, thats what I'll do. Peace outttt!
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[07 May 2009|01:22pm]
I was so naive
to think that you could ever be mine.

It's not so easy,
knowing loving you will never be enough.

Even I can't trust myself with loving you.

If you love me, please let me know.
If not, gently let me go.

I guess second best is all I'll ever be.

Well I'm sorry for believing that you could ever be different
for trusting you that you could prove my thoughts wrong
and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry anymore.

Did I say something way too honest?

I could've sworn that I was so inlove with you
now I'm not sure anymore.

I would make it better if I could,
I hope you realize that.

Call me old-school,
but you know it's all for you.

Baby, you're like my very own drug.
Making me want you when I shouldn't
Keepin' me high when I'm meant to be down.

Maybe I'm just scared of loving you way too much
and be unable to stop.

I'm so confused right now.
Should I love you this much?
Or should I learn to stop?
Baby, tell me what to do.

You hurt me more than words could say, and
the sad thing is - I don't want you to go away.

You wanna know what I really think? I think you're mean and the rudest person I've ever met. I think you're stupid and you smoke way too much. You're arrogant and have a superiority complex that is completely unjustified. You're a hypocrite and you are utterly and completely indifferent to other people's emotions. I can't stand you or anything you do. Yet I am shamelessly devoted to you and completely in love with you.

I've been fighting for so long. And I'm so tired. And I'm broken. And bruised. And I just can't do it anymore. So you can have my armor, you can take my sword, you can even use my shield. It's your turn to put up a fight, and if you really want me, it'll be a good one. It's your turn to be the knight in shining armor.

I've learned that you can never expect anything from anyone, no matter who it is. The moment you do, you're just setting yourself up to be let down.

and for some reason your tragedy is
keeping me on close call. I'm so intrigued
by your downfall, as awful as that sounds.

what I want is really simple,
I want a reason to believe that everything could be different.

After everything he did to you,
its really surprising that you are so sympathetic
and so understanding. you care so much, when
nine days out of ten he was treating you so awful.
that's nice. that shows that you are a good person.
that you can understand that even though a person
is usually at the worse that they aren't always that bad.

and suddenly
i'm HATING myself
for everything i EVER
felt for you. . .


[20 Apr 2009|12:45pm]

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Latley everything has been sooo messed up. I've been running in circles with the same fucking problems every damn day so its about time I wrote them down so I can atleast get them outtt.


Staples. Oh ... staples. I got fired from CVS awhile ago but I'm glad about that because I really hated that job. Theyre such a shitty company to work for, its ridiculous. I've been doing pretty well at Staples. Probably going to move to Office Supplies and get a raise and stuff which will be really nice. I neeeeeed the money, soo soo bad.


Nonexistent. STILL do not have my jeep back. I need to get it soon though because Amanda pretty much told me shes planning on moving out soon so I need to get my shit together and get out basically. I currently do not have a real home, I just go from place to place. Whether its sleeping at my aunts house for a few days or sleeping at Keiths house or sometimes Kevins house but really, its like I'm a nomad or some shit. Now I need my car cause then I can get out of Amandas house and just live day by day and try to keep surviving.


Fuck. Well Zach no longer talks to me, period. We're never going to be friends or anything else ever again and thats probably the best thing for me but it still kinda sucks. Kevin is such an amazing guy. Hes my best friend and hes in love with me but I still like Keith and I'm just not ready to be in a relationship so me and Kevin are kinda just taking it day by day. Keith however, is like constantly on my mind. We're "friends with benefits" but I have feelings for him so its weird. He knows I like him, he knows about Kevin, but I dunno about him. I like him, alot. But I also know even if we did date, which will never happen, we would never make it. We're really good friends but thats all it will ever be. Now I just need to stop sleeping with him. Great.


My aunt cheated on my uncle, moved out and moved in with her new boyfriend. I hang out at their house alot and its really fun. However alot of my family is upset with me for still talking to her but ...whatever. She needs someone too. I'm NOT choosing sides but apparently thats what it seems like I'm doing. Anyways. I miss my parents and siblings sooo much. :(

Really all I've been doing is working and smoking and hanging out with whoever asks me to and staying at peoples houses and doing nothing with my life. Excellent.

Anyways, I gotta go finish doing Keiths laundry and cleaning the kitchen so please please please call or text. I dont even care if I know you at this point in my life. Kbyeee.


Qutes I really enjoyed :)Collapse )

[17 Dec 2008|02:04am]
Life is so fucking random.

I work at Staples in Bellingham now, which I used to love but now it makes me go nuts. Gah. I also work the overnight shift at CVS which totally blows but whatever its alright money. Looking to get a new job as a waitress soon hopefully.


Hmm... complicated subject. So much has happened since I last updated this. Zach broke up with me. I still don't know why. He went back to his ex girlfriend too, but its whatever. I'm in a predicament because I really, really like this guy Keith, alot. He's so oober sweet and amazing and we have great times (and great sex =P) together. But then there's Kevin. He's my best firend and we're basically the same exact person. He loves me and wants so bad to be with me but something in me just really wants to be with Keith. Keith however has yet to tell me what hes looking for. So I dunno. It's whatever.

Other than that, I got kicked out of college and my house and now I'm living with my best friend Amanda =]

Anyways, text meeee. I miss people.

508-244-7055 <3

Keith, you make me so happy =]

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